I start my new year with a mild sense of trepidation, but also with hope that this one will be better than the previous. 2015 was a big year in many ways – I finally chose to follow my happiness and that meant not compromising on what I believed I wanted, forcing myself out of my familiar, into a world of superunknowns. It’s been a whirlwind few months, forcing me to now look at life without my rose-tinted glasses.
Part of “growing up” is attempting to learn from my experiences. Some leave you completely breathless and some leave you debilitated, with no will to go on. Love can do both to you as I’ve learnt. The heady feeling of falling in love, the vortex of colours, the perpetual song in your heart, spring in your step, eyes always shining and happy, waking up to infinite possibility with the person you believe is your whole world, and everything else falls away… friends, family, work, work outs… your love shines blindingly bright, like a newly formed star.
But suddenly your love is a supernova, with irrational fights and jealousy and one or both ‘falling out of love’. Words are cruel things, and you may think that it is the worst thing you’d ever hear, but soon, you’ll be thankful for being told the truth.
However, what’s said can’t be un-said, and I’ve learnt to say only what I really mean. Saying things to cause hurt intentionally is probably the worst thing you could do to someone whose world is fast falling into the deepest trench in the ocean.
When you’re in the plunging depths of misery and despair of a breakup, when all life seems to get sucked out of you, and all your dreams and plans have combusted and are spiraling into what’s now a growing black hole, know that you will eventually be ok, and you will be able to pick yourself up and move on, even though it may not seem like it at
that point in time. But knowing all this when you’re in that energy-depleting darkness makes no difference. You just have to breathe and let time crash into your emotions and wash them away.
Which brings me to Time. Time doesn’t seem to wait for anyone or anything. For a person in love, Time seems to race by waaaayyy too quickly, and you wish the moments you spend together could be shot in a single frame movie that you could watch again and again when you’re
In contrast, Time slows down to the lumbering crawl of an Apatosaurus when you break up, the black and white film replaying happy-sad scenes through an ancient projector with grainy and hiccupping images keeping time to your unstoppable river of tears.
Eventually though, tears dry out, rage fades and forgiveness and acceptance sets in. And whatever has helped you get to this stage of Zen – bitching with your girlfriends, alcohol, punishing work outs, a too-full social calendar, travel, lots of mindless sex, all of the above in unequal measure, will help re-set that clock and Time will move back to cocoon you and set you down into its normal ebb and flow. This is the part that can’t be rushed, unfortunately. And no matter how much you want to get out of this bubble you seem to be trapped in, you won’t be able to, until one day, just like that, it’s all gone. You’ll wake up from this really long, repetitive dream, shake the stardust off your mantle, make yourself a really big, tall cup of black coffee and be ready to take on a whole new world of experiences.
– I’ve discovered I have patterns.
– I’ve learnt that I love unconditionally, and sometimes obsessively.
– Loving comes with accepting. I’m learning to not confuse it with compromising constantly.
– I’ve accepted that I can’t make everyone happy.
– I’m coming to realize that sometimes, letting it go and just exhaling helps things along massively.
– Sometimes, doing nothing is the best thing you can do.
– Winning an argument = not winning anything at all.
– I’m trying to worry less about things not in my control.
– Kindness and love really is the answer to everything.
And finally, learning from my dogs that life really is simple – you
bark, you whine, you eat, you poo, you anticipate, you play, you
workout (BALL!), and you never stop loving. Here’s to a super Zen 2016,
where all of us find what we are looking for.